I said I should write, so here I am. Writing.
My mind has a tendency to start running at a hundred miles per hour whenever I feel I have too much going on at once. Currently I feel like I am in the middle of making a lot of changes. I am mostly excited about all of it but, as usual, I'm also feeling a bit nervous.For some reason though, when I feel stressed, my mind doesn't over think the events/changes/projects/etc. that I am stressed about, it tends to over think all the little things. All of a sudden I find myself obsessing over things that typically would not bother me (or more like obsessing over things that bother me that I can usually let go easily). Since this is how I am feeling at the moment, I have decided to run through a few of my recent thoughts in hopes that they will get out of my head and make room for the things I should actually be obsessing over. (I am apologizing now for the serious lack of organization to this entry: free wirte)
I want to say that I worry, a lot. I worry about anything and everything. If I have cared, do care, or may ever care about something or someone, I worry about it. I worry about more things and people around me sometimes, that I commonly forget to worry about myself. I think it is normal, at least for me, to feel this way but what I get frustrated with is how I react to it. I wish I could just give someone a sticker whenever there was an issue that showed them how much I care, so then I could keep my mouth shut and stay out of trouble.
It is also funny to me how everyone is "just the way they are". We accept our faults and negatives and flaws by claiming it is the way we have been made. I wonder how many times I've been told "well, that's just how (insert name) is". This whole idea really bothers me. It is one of those concepts that I always find myself rethinking. I'm sure people have said it about me, and I can honestly say I wish they wouldn't. I have hope in the idea of self revelation and change. If you can be honest with yourself, I believe you can change whatever you want to. I don't want excuses for my behavior.
Thinking of this makes me realize how hard it might be to shake off that personal label. When will people be able to tell that you are not that way anymore? What if you slip up and make a mistake that you've commonly made in the past? How quickly will people begin labeling you again? (ugh, or why do I even care? why am I even asking these questions? How does this even relate to worrying?) I don't even feel like attempting to answer all of those hahaha. I think.....maybe it really does not matter. I just want to feel like I know that I can change, I should not need others to see it for it to be legitimized. On the other side of this, I should maybe stop looking at others and their attempts to change. I am on the outside in that case, and I can not say whether anyone else is making efforts at self improvement. Some things come obviously and in your face (like look my hair is short and I wear suits now) and some things are personal, slow, and run much deeper.
I want to not expect to see in others what I feel myself.
(I believe that makes sense)
Now, see how I over think? All these thoughts lead to many more for me but, for now, I feel a bit better!
A few other notes:
1) I have totally and completely neglected this blog :) Like I knew I would.
2) I want to change the title of this blog.
3) With the craziness of everything right now, I am hoping to write for the blog more.
4) I am not reading over this entry because I know if I do now, I will delete it all. (some strange habit of mine)
So, I apologize if parts do not fit, make sense, flow, spelling errors, and all of that junk.I'm sure I will read over it eventually and fix parts.
You should care more about yourself. You are important to. Oh, this will be a free write response. I like what you say about people being able to change. It gives hope for perfection and that is an idea I hold dear. Also I think people who say “that’s just the way (insert name here) is” or people that say “that’s just how I am” are just being lazy and apathetic. And don’t worry, I wont give you excuses for your behavior. How you change is between you and what ever moral force is guiding you. It is great if you get positive feedback from your peers, but honestly, you do not need it. Just hold your head up and know that you are who you are and you will be who you want to be. And this blog is your personal thought process put forth to the Internet. A brave thing to do. No need to apologize for not conforming your thoughts to the standards of the common English class. I say you should be as creative as you want to get your point across. You should make up a word that feels right if you want. Errors are just proof that you are human and still capable of change for the better, therefore you still have a purpose. If this blog was written perfectly then it would be no fun to read. It is a blog not a novel. ;)
ReplyDelete"Knowing who I am and being who I want to be", I can honestly say I feel good about this. Now focusing on that as apposed to focusing on others and who they are and what I think they could be......I need to work on.When I was writing this particular entry I know I was kind of thinking more of someone, other then myself. Now finally reading over it I see I may have somewhat addressed this issue but, I have yet to really work on changing it. If I can spend more energy focusing on myself (i.e. my newest blog) I think I may find myself not just being proud of where I am at and what I am doing, but becoming truly content and satisfied.
ReplyDeleteOh! Also, I hope you do not my mind my free write response :P