I said I should write, so here I am. Writing.
My mind has a tendency to start running at a hundred miles per hour whenever I feel I have too much going on at once. Currently I feel like I am in the middle of making a lot of changes. I am mostly excited about all of it but, as usual, I'm also feeling a bit nervous.For some reason though, when I feel stressed, my mind doesn't over think the events/changes/projects/etc. that I am stressed about, it tends to over think all the little things. All of a sudden I find myself obsessing over things that typically would not bother me (or more like obsessing over things that bother me that I can usually let go easily). Since this is how I am feeling at the moment, I have decided to run through a few of my recent thoughts in hopes that they will get out of my head and make room for the things I should actually be obsessing over. (I am apologizing now for the serious lack of organization to this entry: free wirte)
I want to say that I worry, a lot. I worry about anything and everything. If I have cared, do care, or may ever care about something or someone, I worry about it. I worry about more things and people around me sometimes, that I commonly forget to worry about myself. I think it is normal, at least for me, to feel this way but what I get frustrated with is how I react to it. I wish I could just give someone a sticker whenever there was an issue that showed them how much I care, so then I could keep my mouth shut and stay out of trouble.
It is also funny to me how everyone is "just the way they are". We accept our faults and negatives and flaws by claiming it is the way we have been made. I wonder how many times I've been told "well, that's just how (insert name) is". This whole idea really bothers me. It is one of those concepts that I always find myself rethinking. I'm sure people have said it about me, and I can honestly say I wish they wouldn't. I have hope in the idea of self revelation and change. If you can be honest with yourself, I believe you can change whatever you want to. I don't want excuses for my behavior.
Thinking of this makes me realize how hard it might be to shake off that personal label. When will people be able to tell that you are not that way anymore? What if you slip up and make a mistake that you've commonly made in the past? How quickly will people begin labeling you again? (ugh, or why do I even care? why am I even asking these questions? How does this even relate to worrying?) I don't even feel like attempting to answer all of those hahaha. I think.....maybe it really does not matter. I just want to feel like I know that I can change, I should not need others to see it for it to be legitimized. On the other side of this, I should maybe stop looking at others and their attempts to change. I am on the outside in that case, and I can not say whether anyone else is making efforts at self improvement. Some things come obviously and in your face (like look my hair is short and I wear suits now) and some things are personal, slow, and run much deeper.
I want to not expect to see in others what I feel myself.
(I believe that makes sense)
Now, see how I over think? All these thoughts lead to many more for me but, for now, I feel a bit better!
A few other notes:
1) I have totally and completely neglected this blog :) Like I knew I would.
2) I want to change the title of this blog.
3) With the craziness of everything right now, I am hoping to write for the blog more.
4) I am not reading over this entry because I know if I do now, I will delete it all. (some strange habit of mine)
So, I apologize if parts do not fit, make sense, flow, spelling errors, and all of that junk.I'm sure I will read over it eventually and fix parts.
